I painted a picture of a day gone past

Following the pattern for the moment

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 18:51:57 GMT

For this entry I am going to do something that a friend of mine did for his that I suppose he got from someone else
I want to write an entry about what I want out of life and what I wish to acomplish
I want it so that when I lose my faith sometimes I can go back and read it over again and know where to begin again

Be independent
This has always been a dream of mine
Ever since I was little I remember wishing that I was able to support myself and get away from all the bullshit and the drama in my life
I suppose that I have taken so much respondsibility in my life that this is really overdue
I guess this come with certainty that no one can break me apart
If I am on my own then I have things on my own terms
I am finally able to live life how I want to
Make the changes in my life that I need

This should be happenning very soon
Im finally getting enough money to support myself all the way
Plus when you have friends that are awesome to let you be a roomate then things are good

Find Closure

For everything in my life
Understand why Michael did the things that he did to me
Find out why my mother abandonded me when I was about 10
Tell Jesse that I am sorry for everything
Come to terms with Chris's death
And others
Ryan, Jake , Sarah, Joel, TIm, Charlie, Zack ...
It is like a page in my past that I cannot close
A haunting memory that those that get close go away
I need to find my peace

Find my brother

Self explanitory
I have not seen him since he was 6 years old
He is 14 now almost 15
He is in Germany somewhere

Work out all my emotional Flaws

Such as not trusting people
Destroying relationships
Being too indifferent sometimes
Explaining things
Not getting mad at questions (much better now)
Thinking that everyone is going to leave
Thinking that my past is always going to come back to haunt me

Travel the world

I want to see the world and learn about all different types of cultures
My goal is to go to at least 50 different countries

Learn everything I can

I have a thrist for knowledge
Psychology
Philosophy
Understanding everything I can about the world

Living free

Simply having nothing to hold me back

Having someone to share my life with

I dont mean love
I mean having that one good person to talk to and that you can share anything with
A true friend
Love is just an added bonus
I am content without a lover
But I am a broken person without companionship
I hate being alone
Besides everyone needs that one person to go to right?

I think that is all for now
I may have more later on
I need to think about everything a little bit longer

Im updating ... give me a break!

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 17:55:36 GMT

Well I know that I need to update so I am going to spend my resources doing so
Here I go

Friday
Nothing much here
I slept all day and went to work around 4
I had to close so I was there till midnight
It sucked
We did nothing till about 30 minutes to close so I know the store was a bit messy
Brenda said something about it to me on Sunday
She didnt blame me though
She blamed the manager
Afterwards I went over to Chris and Erics
Eric fell asleep not long after
Chris and I agreed to go to a sale in the morning
So I went home and got online
I ended up getting caught online by Nick and Ryan but I didnt mind :-p

Saturday
Woke up at 8:00 am and I was so tired that when I tried to get up my legs gave out
It was kinda freaky
I feel back asleep for about 20 more minutes
Just long enough to gain my composure
Drove into town and got Chris
When we got to the sale most of the stuff was gone
It was really selling quick
But everything was dirt cheap
Chris go a coffee table for like 5 dollars
Its a cool little table too
We brought it back to the apatment and sat around
Eric was at work so it was just us two
Finally at about noon I called Brit up and asked her if she wanted to help me dye my hair
She agreed to do so
I paid for something that she found in walmart as an exchange
I dyed my hair Black
I took a couple pictures yesterday
I will put them up in my pictures folder as soon as I can
At around 4 I ended back up at the apartment
Eric was home by then so it was the three of us again
We sat around and played video games
and decided to pull an all nighter again
I was a bit hesitant because I had to work at 8 asm the next day but I said whatever and stayed up with them all
Brit came over with Zack and we all had a good time
Movies, video games, and music
The three essentials to an awesome social gathering :-p
I crashed at around 4 am

Sunday
Woke up at 7:30 am and went to work
It was really really slow
And boring too
Katy was there so we talked alot
I also had to run the store while her and Kody made dough
It was easy enough
I was so tired
I kept trying to drink all the soda I could to get a little bit of caffeine
Everything was spinning and just blah
I was so glad when I got out of work
I was just in such a weird mood
I wasnt happy or sad or anything
But I knew that I had a short temper
Tia had made me mad all week and I had to put up with her for 2 hours on sunday
How lame
After ended up at Chris and Eric's
See the pattern yet? haha
Hung out with them
Went to Meijers, Walmart, Staples
I guess that Erics power cord broke so we tried to fix it
No luck yet
Hopefully though he gets that fixed
I ended up going home at around 11 pm
Got online and talked to Ryan
Hes so much fun to talk to
Hes my nighttime buddy haha
Went to sleep at around 4 am

Monday
Woke up at around 11
Got online to see who was on
Nick was on and I got into a conversation with him
I guess that I scared him
I was talking about hwo if things didnt work out between us that I wasnt going to feel sorry about anything and that I was just going to get on with my life
Which should be natural
And I poured a lot out to him about how I was not going to compromise my college education for someone nor was I going to blindly go somewhere without a way to support myself
I guess I came off really coldhearted and that I didnt care at all
But the truth is that I am 17 years old
I know what I want out of life but I am way to young to think about settling down or anything of that sort
My life should be simple and enjoyable
I want people to pass the time with but im confussed as far as relationships
Maybe I should not be with anyone at all
Im too stubborn of a person and too selfish sometimes
I will not compromise anything in my life simply because someone says "I love you"
I refuse to be a blind person
I will be my own person
With my own life
Taken on my terms
Without regret or remorse
Maybe I am s tronger person for that or perhapes I am weaker
Nick tried to tell me that it was all about compromise and following your heart
But tell me at 17 what should I really compromise in my life?
I have no reasoning to compromise anything in my life right now
I am almost 18 years old and just now able to fully support myself
Im in my second year of college and exploring the workd as my own being
This is not a time for compromise
This is a time for exploring and understanding
If it is meant to be then it is
If it is not then it is not
I will not break myself as a person for something that I am unsure will be there in the future

Blah
Anyways
I went to cadillac at around 4 pm to go pay my dentist
I had to pay them 237 dollars
Lame
I still owe them 160 dollars
The college is saying that I owe them about 250 dollars
Money seems so tight right now
I wish I had my school money right now
It would make things so much easier
Oh well though
Came back and pulled another all nighter
Haha the whole week was just interesting and full of new experiences
It was fun
Chris crashed at around midnight
He had to work the next day and go to classes though
We watched a movie called "True Stories"
It was really interesting
It was made in 1986
It is a lot like Napoleon Dynomite
I bet that is where Napoleon Dynomite got its inspiration
We went to Walmart bough some stuff
Put posters up
I played Suikoden and Baulders Gate
It was fun
Talked to Adam for a while
After Chris crashed Eric and I just played mario nad went to mcdonalds
Nothing exciting there
We ended up crashing around 3 am or so
Maybe a bit later
That brings me up to now

Eric is sleeping and I am on Chris's laptop just typing away
He is at school right now
And that includes my week update

Hope it works

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 16:20:22 GMT

I am going to try something new
I am going to post all my entries on my Melodramatic as well as my Livejournal here
That way my LJ friends have a chance to post comments as well and read my journal without a million links

So anyways yesterdy was nothing too much of an event
I talked all Night to Nick and Ryan
Jammed to my newlyfoudn music
Compliments of Eric and Chris
Slept the remainder of what I could

Work was a different story
I got a pay raise
That made me relaly happy
So now I have about 50 dollars on my check than I thought I would have
Dont you just love suprises like that?
I was timed on sheetouts last night
I was 10 seconds above what I needed

The only bad part about my day yesterday was Tia
she is such a moron
She stayed on a delivery for an hour and a half looking for the place
And it really wasnt that hard to find it
If it wasnt that it couldbe the fact that she left for a delivery 10 minutes to 10 and didnt show back up till close which is at 11
I was suppose to be out at 10 but I stayed to help Lathem and Sarah out since Tia is so slow
She couldnt handle a few orders to Travis Merril Hall
She took an hour and a half to do sauce
She has no clue how to wash dishes
Her dish water is always nasty and I always have to tell her to change it
She never shuts up...
Save me from stupid people please
Its just pizza
Its not that hard to handle...
Ok I think that I am done with my rant for now

I have to pay my ticket, my dentist, and my phone bill today
Go to ferris and talk to someone about my financial aid
Blah
It is going to be a busy day
and Im off

Failed

Tue, 31 May 2005 09:22:50 GMT

Ok I failed at not updating till my other journal is done
Sue me
Yesterday was pretty cool
I went to GR with Chris and Eric
Bought a Who album "Who's Next"
It has the original "Behind Blue Eyes"
Not that bullshit that Limp Bizkit does
I fucking hate that cover if I saw Fred Durst I would rip him a new asshole just for messing with a classic
Just Grrrr

We went to Krispy Cream and bought a dozen glazed donuts
We even got free samples
How cool is that?
We tried to go to the mall but it was closing down
Lame
We managed to make it to hot topic though before it shut down
I cried when I went in there
They are now Exploiting Sonic and Batman
Save me
Not to mention that they are now selling Foamy cartoon episodes...
Enraged I am about that I kinda still want to buy them because I love Foamy
Must resist temptation
I will not support this evil

Finally we ended up at Best buy and I bought "Beyond Good and Evil" for $10
Not bad because I was going to buy it at Sam Goody for $20
Have not played it yet
Too tired

Everything has been good
Though Nick had me worried
It has dawned on me that In 1 week I may never see him again
Depressing
He says that I will see him again but what if things beyond our control happen?
Anyways I am going to go see him this morning
We just sit and talk about things anymore

My brother came ysterday and fixed up the computer
I am so happy now
I have the ability to download songs now
I am going to abuse this system too much now

Anyways I am going to attempt to get some sleep

Keep your Male enhancements off my Dashboard

Mon, 30 May 2005 14:36:01 GMT

So this weekend has actually been fun
I spent the Friday night with Britanni
We went to see Monster in Law
It was actually pretty funny for a chick flick
There was this girl in the theatre that we just kept talking to across the isle
Just friendly conversation
And earlier that night at work I kept asking customers what the greatest pick up line they ever heard was
Some people actually got a kick out of it
Others took offense
And yet others didnt want to answer
Best line of the night

- Well this short guy came up to me at the bar and said that short guys where better lovers. I asked why. He said because we are closer ;)

Saturday I was jamming at work to music with the same people
It was very slow
I started dancing around out of boredom
I ended up hanging out with Nick
Its weird how things happen I guess
We talked and watched movies
I fell asleep on his couch

Sunday
Nick showed up for D&D
I had to work the morning shift and stayed an hour over out of boredom
Anyways Sarah
Nicks ex girlfriend showed up as well
It was funny
They ended up going for a walk and talking
He pissed her off apparently because she did not want him moving to Australia
he told her to fuck off and that it was not her decision
Offer still stands
When I graduate I will have a ticket to move to Australia
Makes you think about where you want to be in life huh?
I dont even have to wait till graduation...
He moves over there after he graduates
Which will be next summer

I will be a junior by that time with two more years left of college
I dont know what I will do yet
A chance to go to Australia and start my life over?
Forget about everyone and everything and just go?
Tempting
But I would kill myself if I did not finish college first
Not to mention that I want to go to Carnagie Melon now for a Masters degree in gaming
Decisions suck ass

Whatever it is
I know that it will be my decision and no one telling me what to do
Nor anyone trying to tell me that I am turning into the Old G
Because well I do not listen to the advice of others now
That is where I went wrong to begin with

I turn 18 in just 5 months now
Which most people might think to be a long time
But considering that time flies
It is really nothing
5 months till my life begins and yet everything already seems to have happened
Does this mean that maybe for once good things will start to happen?
What am I talking about
Life is good
I feel sure of myself for once
I am talking to people rather than being a room hermit
I am out of the feeling of being bound to someone
Not my cup of tea
I am a sophmore in college at the age of 17
I have my own car
Music to listen to
And a mellow, cheerful disposition that no matter what happens to you that life goes on
And I intend on living my life the way that I want to live it

-For anyone wanting to know
The title is an inside joke
if you want to know just ask

Dinner and a Movie

Thu, 26 May 2005 02:49:22 GMT

I got to go to dinner tonight
Hey it was fun :)
I got this Orange Chicken bowl thing
It was really good
Applebees for anyone wondering

Why is the word abreviation so long?

I am looking at schools in Australia
Worth a shot
I found a few colleges that actually offer my major
Maybe?

I want to do things with my life that are bigger than I would ever imagine
I have nothing to hold me back now

Lies Lies Lies

Mon, 23 May 2005 09:06:58 GMT

And you were the one to tell me to be honest?
I can only snicker to myself

On to lighter notes
I took Britanni to the High School about 30 minutes ago
It was shitty because try as a might I could not get to sleep till about midnight last night
That gave me a whole 4 hours of sleep
Yay to me
Actually less than that

I knew that today was going to be a shitty day
Maybe not all shitty though
I am going to take off here in a little bit
I want to go watch the sunrise
I have not done that in a while
I miss the crisp air
It makes you feel alive
Alive enough to care I suppose

I called Tabby last night
I found her number while I was tossing around my room
I called her up and we talked for a while
Caught up on all the things that both of us had missed

Everything has changed now...
So many people that I knew dropped out of High School
Gave up on life...
I have always felt a tie to spokane...
I cant explain it..
Not really ...
Its like I have something left to do there... or maybe I just need to face everything that happened there...
Maybe I feel the tie simply because it was the place where I was able to break free of Michaels grip...

Picture Perfect... because I feel like it

Sun, 22 May 2005 02:51:19 GMT

So of course I love those two pictures
They rule
And if you dont like me then bite me
Or suck my dick

I wonder what his story is?

Probably one of my most loved comic strips

Never understood why I liked the librarian look ...

Drawings that people did for my gaia character

\

My favorite pictures of me

No reason why I posted all this just for the simple fact that I am cleaning out my photobucket account
to many memories....

I never understood a single word he said but I sure helped him drink his wine

Wed, 11 May 2005 04:30:35 GMT

I raise my glass to failed relationships that where the best thing that ever happened to you

Hello me Its me again ...

Mon, 09 May 2005 11:15:27 GMT

You are hopeless
Worthless
Pathetic
You are nothing
And you will never be anything
Nothing that you do will ever amount to anything...

Fuck you Michael...
Your threats mean nothing now
If you show your faace around here I swear on david that I will not hesitate to kill you
I hate you with every drop of blood that flows in my veins...